Why I'm Glad I "Settled" for a Furnace Instead of Waiting for a Fireworks Show

Last week I heard an essay on NPR from a single 40-something woman about the possible benefits of "settling" for "Mr. Good Enough." It wasn't as cynical as it might sound. She stated that as she has talked more to her married friends, she has come to realize that marriage is much more like running a small non-profit business (the home) than it is a romantic movie (lets face it, I'm no Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, J-Lo, Reese Witherspoon, or Drew Barrymore).

I AGREE!!!!

Throughout my single thirties, people would either say or imply "you shouldn't be so picky." I tried to explain to them that I didn't think I was all that picky about the man I married. He could be short or tall, thin or chunky, a doctor or a teacher. I just really didn't care much what he looked like or did for a living or any of that stuff. I was, I would continue, VERY picky about the kind of relationship I wanted in a marriage. I needed to have a relationship that included good communication, mutual respect, like-goals, ideas, and ideals. I desired a relationship with a man who promoted laughter and accepted tears.

I remember many conversations with other singles (especially men) where I postulated that "romance" as the movies portrayed it is not only overrated and unlikely, but it isn't really even truly love. I imagined that I would rather have a spouse who chose me instead of having some chemical reaction. What is romantic about chemicals? Most notably were the conversations with ... we'll call him Don Madris ... who was always very surprised and skeptical about my theories. "What about fireworks?" he would ask. "Fireworks are great but they don't last long and often you get burned," I would respond. I wanted something that would last even if it didn't flash.

In sharing my unproven theory, I would often say, "there are four kinds of connection that are important to me: 1-Spiritual, 2-Intellectual, 3-Emotional, and 4-Physical." It seemed to me that the first three on my list were actually harder to come by than the last. I surmised and hoped that if I could find the first three, the last would fall into place.

Two years ago today my theories began to be tested. While Phil and I (abruptly) began to discuss the possibilities of marriage, a friend sent me an email on valentines day, 2006. He had no idea that Phil and I were contemplating the big question (nobody did, we had gone our separate ways and had steered clear of each other for several weeks before the phone call from Phil that changed our lives). This friend told me of his penny test. "You throw a penny into the air and if you can't say 'YES, I want to marry this person!' before the penny hits the floor, you shouldn't do it." PANIC! What was I doing thinking about marrying Phil then? Fortunately, I called Phil and he convinced me to move forward with our discussions (sometimes we actually called them "negotiations" - how romantic is that?). Two weeks later we got engaged. Even during our engagement there were moments of fear and panic. I consider it one of the Lord's tender mercies that we didn't both have those moments at the same time.

Fast forward (although there is a lot to fast forward through) to today. It is Valentines Day. There is a bowl of candy and a plant for me and a teddy bear for Eden that miraculously appeared on our breakfast table. Eden has the flu (the fourth day of a really terrible bug which has required constant holding and comfort). Phil is off to get a haircut and then to teach even though he is starting to feel sick. I feel achey (is it from holding Eden or am I getting sick too?). Nothing to inspire the ooh and ahh of a firework show today. Instead, I have my constant, reliable furnace. He keeps me warm, he gets up with the baby, he deals with my emotions and tears, he laughs with me, he helps me laugh at myself, he talks through the mundane issues of household chores and finances, he helps me try to be a good YW president, he lets me help him sometimes ... the list goes on and on.

If you ask me, I was absolutely right Don Madris! There is something wonderfully romantic about a relationship that works because the two people involved have made a choice to make it so. I'm so glad Phil chose me (and I him) two years ago!

Fireworks: flashy, hot, exciting, sometimes volatile, sometimes burn, can't exist during a storm, colorful, get old - you need to see new ones to elicit the same "ooh and ahh".

Furnaces: constant, warm, reliable, come in different shapes and sizes, reliable even during a storm (if you have your generator), easy to take for granted but immediately missed if not there.